A Hindoo woman, the beautiful Eastern legend tells us, lost her only child. Wild with grief, she implored teacher to give her back her little one to love her.
He looked at her for a long while tenderly, and said, "Go, my daughter, bring me a handful of rice from a house into which Death has never entered , and I will do as thou desirest."
The woman at once began her search. She went from dwelling to dwelling, asking if there were members of the home missing. Far and wide she wandered but there was always a vacant seat by the hearth.
Gradually the waves of her grief subsided before the spectacle of sorrow everywhere, and her heart, ceasing to be occupied with its own pangs, flowed out in strong yearning sympathy with the universal suffering.
Tears of anguish softened to pity, passion melted away in compassion, she forgot herself in the general interest, and found redemptions in redeeming.
"Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." ~Philippians 2:4
(excerpt from Consolation, Chase E Cowman.)
God is moving. I am learning. I not here yet. I want to be. I desire not to grieve and give to others, but there is no special formula from its beginning to end. My brother. My father. My child. Each one has been a different experience, but it has changed me. It has made me question the truthfulness of my compassion and ministry to others because frankly it is now hard. I am selfish.
Others may think, because I am pregnant, that I have moved on from my sorrow. Now she is happy.
I can assure you over these past weeks, the weight and pain of carrying Solomon has brought my sorrow to the threshold again. After nine full term pregnancies, my body hurts. It hurts physically which reminds me of the many many tears I shed EVEN before Michael was even in my arms. Then to deal emotionally with all that happened can crush me. I have to be intentional to love and serve my family.
Not to mention, I will have the hurdle of labor and birth.
Then, I feel those condemning voices that it is my fault I had another child so soon. Don't judge.
I am praying for a spiritual breakthrough these next 50 days. I am being vulnerable and asking for prayer. I long to be at the spot this Hindoo woman was... or where Jesus was the night he was seized, serving his disciples. I am mad because I see my weakness. I know my Saviour sees, but my sin is disgusting. He can deliver me out of all my troubles. He is mighty to save. He can quiet me with his love.