I honestly can't even think of a title for this blog. My mind is mush. Question marks summarize it good enough.
I wish I was writing "Year in Review Christmas Blog", sipping tea by a warm fire as my children we fast asleep.. yet
I have spent every moment on the computer searching craigslist, gazzette times, property management companies for a home for our family. I know the Lord was telling me to stop a long time ago, but ones mind cannot rest when you don't know where your "home" will be next. If you have read on facebook Seans job status is such that we cannot prove our "three times the amount of rent" for income. Those that have considered us turned us away because of better offers. It ridiculous when you are willing to give people (in my mind) a ton of money upfront and they still won't let you rent.
(For the update the kids are doing amazing. As I mom, I have been so concerned they would be in fear of the future, but it has not seem to faze them one bit. They only time they seem slightly concerned is when I am crying. They even pray "please give Mom and Dad a home" (huge lump in throat when I typed that). They know we will take care of them no matter what. They know God will take care of them too.)
Last night I was done. God was silent again. Door closed.
I was driving 'home' with the family in the rain, bawling my eyes out. Desperate to understand why this was happening in my life... then (in my mind) blaming my husband.
A year ago, I looked as if I had a perfect life: No debt. Nice big home (furniture). Running 5ks. Blogging. Crocheting. Had lots of friends. Was a Pastors Wife...ect ect..
Yet inside we were struggling. BIG time. Struggling for quite awhile. Church ministry was consuming our life and our conviction were such that we so desired to raise our children apart from it all. We needed the freedom to pull back from church activities (if need be) and we were not able to in Seans position. Activities were not the only reason, but one to say the least.
And on my drive home.. that is what I was questioning. WHY? why couldn't my husband just do it all? he had a good job..home..salary..
I was weeping for many reasons. But sad too because I did not want the enemy to put this as vice between my husband and I.
Reality is: I love my husband. I will support Him where ever the Lord leads. If He makes a mistake.. I will still love him. I will do all in my power to help him and not tear him down.
By the end of the evening we made one more call. We explain our situation thoroughly now before we view a home because we don't want to waste anyone's time. This call was it. He was nice, willing to work with us and after viewing the home was excited for us to rent.
I slept good. I awoke happy. Sean and I both knew though we had to wait for the complete "yes".
The verdict happened tonight at 8pm: He is the middle man. Not the owner. On the application it said only rent and deposit were needed. Since others were interested he said the owner wanted last months rent too. Which was the closed door. Sorry we could not afford it.
I didn't cry this time. as at least God gave us a little relief for the day.
Praise the Lord for friends who have graciously opened their homes.Whether they are out of town or house sitting...
we have some temporary options at least..I am thankful for.
Please continue to pray for us. My prayer really only consist of two words now: "Please God.."
Unless the LORD had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up.
In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.