Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Trying to Understand Grief.

the last time i held his hand..

This post has been tumbling around in my head for months. Ever since Fathers Day, when I lost my Daddy.

When I am alone running, worshiping, sleeping or when my house is actually quiet- grief will slap me the face or creep up slowly as I try to push it away.
Even last night I woke up twice- bawling.

Truth be said- I miss my Dad.

In about 3 days or so, it will have been 9 years since I my brother died. I cannot believe it has been that long.
The death of my dad does not lesson the hurt of my brother, but it cuts deeper. I can only how much it hurts to loose a child or a spouse. God, be my help if He ever chooses that for me...

Where it hurts the most- not knowing his eternal state. Yeah, Yeah.. I get it. My apologies ahead of time, but comfort and reassurance from those who say he is "looking down at me" will not help.

My dad was an amazing man.. yet stubborn as the get go. He honestly showed me what a father can be and allowed me to walk out my faith from a young age. Yet, faith/religion did not settle well in topic. He had been hurt by the Jehovah Witness church or many other things I suppose. An anger arose in him, if you even brought up Jesus. Through grandkids and his own kids loving him with the love of God, we hope in his dying unconscious state he surrendered. All I can do is HOPE, but in that hope it HURTS. Even I times I grow frustrated. I want to be in heaven with Jesus all the more.

I was his baby out of 8 kids and two marriages. He was always there for me. Being able to run into his arms, was such a picture of what my heavenly father has and will always be for me.. does that make sense? Some people have a hard time understanding the love God because their relationship with their own father was dysfunctional. The exact opposite was my relationship with my dad. For that I am ever thankful.

I wish I had more time with him. I wish I could have been by his bedside when he took his last breaths...

My dad was an incredible runner back in the day. I have many memories cheering him on...and he did the same for me. Almost every race, he was always there. I plan to run another soon, but I am afraid of the reality I must face at the finish line- he will not be there. more grief.

God, let that not be true with eternity!

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.…Hebrews 12

For now I have to choose joy. choose to pray. choose to journal. choose to enjoy life. many moments it does not come easy. sorrow sucks. sorrow hurts.

I will keep looking up to the Lord for he is where my help comes from.
my big 10k, selfie at finish line.

this is what I am going to do with dad in eternity-
coffee and carrot cake.

1 comment:

  1. thank you so much sharing your heart about this...as you must know, I've been praying for you. I still can't talk about losing my grandma last november, who was a second mom to me, it hurts too much and I still wake up crying about it. I know what you mean about the grief just coming up out of nowhere...hard stuff. We sure love you and with you, we are grateful that Jesus understands..and comforts us when the rest of the world is asleep.



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