Saturday, September 2, 2017

He Knew 5 Years Ago

the peace of God

Was God preparing my heart 5 years ago that I would lose Michael?

Did He know in exactly 5 years I would be holding my son, seeing his beautiful face, praying over his earthly body for the VERY LAST time? 

That in 5 years, I will feel the presence of God wash over me like never before? I would get a glimpse of heavenly peace as I held Michael... but have to hand him over, saying goodbye did we met again?

"But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day..." 2 Peter 3:8

Yes. He did.

God knows the moment I will see my baby Mikey again---That I will see HIM, my Heavenly Father; my Abba Father.. and feel true everlasting peace wash over me again.

JULY 11th, 2017; was my precious Michaels due date. 

It was the day I held him, prayed and said goodbye. 

Five years earlier, when I blogged this song on JULY 11th, 2012 ----God knew it was going to minister to me like never before. I was going to cry before God like never before, broken down and needing His help like never before. 

YET, in it all I would continue to serve Jesus wanting to see him glorified in my life. He knew I would experience a moment of trial that would change me forever. He knew I would need His strength, His help like never before.

AND, here I am am singing that song:
Take my life.
Take my hands.
Take my voice.
Use them..
I am written on His hands.

"for your Father knows what you need before you ask him... " Matthew 6:7

and I will share it again. 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Life Continues after Birth

Random thoughts I am processing..

walking with mama
Hadassah turned 7 years old this summer.

Elijah got his drivers license last friday.

Today is the first day of school.

I waved goodbye to three of my kids as the left for the charter school---in the car--- with their big brother ---over the ferry!

Praying for my little Jay Jay. First time back in school since 1st grade.

Supposedly I am going to do a great job homeschooling the four others. gasp.

Sean and I found out we will be working now four nights a week on our online job. Thankful for Gods provision, but praying for endurance.

All the while---- (very few people know) Sean continues his schooling as a Nurse Assist 2 & RN.
AND continues his web design.
attempting a selfie
So proud of him. We are going to his summer graduation as a CNA on Thursday!

As I type this, I am getting two little girls out the shower. (Multi-tasking at its finest!)..Also, keeping Mo from wandering and somehow trying to motivate Elizabeth to start her "new homeschool year".

Yet..As I kissed everyone goodbye... stress over the busyness of it all,  I picture a newborn swaddled in my arms. The moments of what I thought "should have been" will always be with me. From my understanding they will lesson, but never leave my heart.

Even as I combed the millions of rats out of Hadassah's hair she said, "Mommy, I miss baby Michael". We all feel it in our own way, some more than others.
I told her "I do too, more than words could express"...I assured her we can pray for a new baby someday. :) She thought it would be neat if I could have a Christmas baby.
Well.. I then explained how "this Christmas would be a little too soon because it does take 9 months." ;)

Life continues.
happy 7th bday hadassah!
Deep breaths. Time to put on some workout clothes...
pressing on,

read this scripture last night
it was from the book i was reading right before Michael passed.
a fiction book about a midwife.
i never saw the scripture before in the front of the book.
of course
little i knew what the night would hold..
but now I cling to the fact that God knows my future.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A Battle for Normal; After a Stillbirth

Empty arms. I am fighting hard. Feels like a spiritual battle daily. Stressful nightmares. Outburst of anger. Anxiety attacks. Confusion. Loss of joy. Purpose. Focus.
At any given moment especially toward the end of my day..when tiredness sets in.
I have to take breathes. Pray. Turn on worship music. Listen to bible studies. Read my bible. Intentionally listen to my kids.

It comes in waves.
My hormones have been out of whack.
Postpartum depression at it's worst. (or the worst I've experienced). I should have gotten Michael placenta encapsulated, yet that was the last thing on my mind in the emergency room.

I was "supposed" to have a baby rest. For me, having eight kids I actually looked forward to nursing 12 times a day. The Lord knew what was to come, He would have to be my rest.

Last week I was screaming... "what do I do now!?" I was falling apart tremendously.
Yet, I have been "feeling" better today and the weekend went better... Maybe the hormones are balancing out. The grief fog is lifting.

I have to be so careful because the every day mothering tasks stir up bitterness.. and plain tiredness.

I have been trying to find some source of "normal" outlet, but it is not coming easy.
Two weeks after birth, I got aggression out by weeding my garden beds. Yay, I planted two new rose bushes. Planted seedlings.. planted a potted plant.

Went on a a few run/walks, but was quickly reminded I was only three weeks postpartum and not three months. My body is not as strong.. yet. Knee braces and all. 

This week, I was praising God because I actually started a new crochet project. :) YES. A new baby blanket. Hopefully, for what grieving mothers call their "rainbow baby." I am praying for my own rainbow baby and I don't care what others opinion may say.

I attempted a start of a new fiction book. For the first time in years it is not about birth or midwifery. Someday, I will get back into my passion.

Friends, then it came: Only out of observation, I went an entire day without crying. 28 days, exactly four weeks after the birth of Michael.

Not sure if I was even happy about it, but I knew it was needed. Part of the fog passing..

((((deep breaths))))

Watching my family play during an evening beach trip.
Yes :) All seven, plus Dad are in this picture.
I was laying down on the blanket taking life in...
Our first time back here without baby Michael.

Last April...
One of my beach memories. Mordecai hugging Baby Michael.
Miss you little one.

God, what is normal? You are working in me... I will trust. I press on. In You I HOPE. You are with me in this battle.

In verse 19, word "high hills" literally can mean "battlefield"...

Habakkuk 3: 17-19

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines; 
Though the labor of the olive may fail, 
And the fields yield no food; 
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, 
And there be no herd in the stalls— 

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 
I will joy in the God of my salvation. 
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet, 
And He will make me walk on my high hills. 

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Baby Michael James; Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I took 141 pictures of my son before I said my final goodbye.

I want a thousand more.

I want to hold him longer and soak in every tiny feature.

Since I am waiting earthside for our glorious reunion; I am aware my own body is growing older, I may forget and I don't want to...

This blog is dedicated to every sweet memory God gave me while he was in my arms....

My little Michael James Buckout, 

I only had a moments relief when your father first handed you to me. But you were warm. You reminded me of Mordecai. A little string bean. Long and cute.

I tried to clear your airway, so you could breath. Suction. Even using my own mouth to try to bring life into your lifeless body. Yet you were already asleep... gone from my arms.

In the hospital, when I finally had you with me again.. I held you close.  I got to grieve, weep and study your every feature through my drenched face. I could not understand why.. but oh my goodness you were beautiful! Absolutly amazing.  I don't know how many times I kissed you, but it wasn't enough.

When Daddy came to meet us we would weep together and talk about your lovely features..

Bittersweet was our every breath. Every word..Every tear..

Your soft hair... fuzzy, more thick brown in the back. A slight red color like your sister Hadassah. I loved rubbing my face on gently on the top of your hair..I have done this with all your brothers and sisters. Your sweet head was growing cold but I didn't care one bit.

Your face... Your lips looked like a content nursing baby. Milk drunk, but with no milk.  Chubby cheeks, thin eye brows, and little button chin. You had a precious little double chin.. extra skin like your mama and Grandpa. You had a precious Buckout nose!

Your ears... little and sweet. I sung to you while I was alone in the hospital. In my heart you could hear. "Jesus, Name Above all Names.. blessed redeemer Glorious Lord.." (Daddy had went to pick up your siblings.) It is the same song we sung every night to your little siblings before bed. I know you heard it in the womb. I held you close, snuggled you on my chest and tried to voice every word before my heart broke into pieces.

Your hands and toes: your fingers were so long, wrinkly skin and such long fingernails. I can't believe how big your hands were! Even your feet were so long! Toes curled. Soft with dried vernix... I wish I would have looked longer but I felt I had to keep you warm and wrap you up.. :(  Oh, Hadassah so badly wanted you to grasp her finger with your tiny hand. In heaven you will hold hands with your sissy.

Your legs and arms sooo long! Like a little froggy. I wish I could have fatten you up.  You had a fuzzy back and flat little bummy like few of your other siblings ;). I am so sorry I didn't change your diaper. :/ Oh, a mothers heart is always full of regret!!

I loved having you on my chest. You little nose dripped and it took my breath away. My arms miss you little one.
Baby Mikey, you changed my life forever. You brought your mothers love deeper than I ever thought it could exist.

Although, I am positive it is only a sliver of the love the Heavenly Father has for us both. Yet, you already know... I will see Him with you face to face with you soon.

I love you deeply my sweet baby boy. I want to snuggle you so bad it hurts. Nurse you. Kiss you... but I will wait. The Lord will renew my strength. So thankful you are with our King Jesus. You will never feel pain, shed a tear, and are completely satisfied for all eternity. I will be there soon.  I am praying.. Maranatha!

Love you forever little bb8,
Your Mama.

Daddy and I taking a moment to show our little girls how we would wrap you. 
They both brought Mommy your blankets from home. 
For now, I sleep with those blankets every night.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Sorrow upon Sorrow; a stillbirth

my sweet baby in my arms once again.
we left in separate ambulances to the hospital.
the most traumatic night in my life.

There have been many times these past 6 months I have attempted to blog. I even wrote a couple of pregnancy blogs that I intended to publish after Michaels birth. I already had to delete them.

I read a grieving Christian mothers advice the other day. She said write if you can.... journal, blog, pictures..ect.

This is the real me... attempting to write. To process. To heal... after only 17 days. It may come to nothing. I may shut down my blog completely. I don't know.

I don't want to spam Facebook with all my sorrow and grief. There are these evil condemning voices that tell me I am just looking for pity. At this point if someone wants to see how I am doing I guess they can look here.
Maybe I can look back to what God is teaching me through this all.
Maybe there will be another grieving mother who will find comfort reading my words.

Only those who saw me knew even that I was expecting our 8th child. For my own reasons, I just wanted it to be quiet. I kept my own private instagram acct @babyjuly2017 to connect with other moms also expecting in June or July. I didn't even tell my family at first, till some slowly found out. I envisioned making a surprise Skype call hours after his birth..

If you are here because of curiosity of how my sweet Michael left my womb and went to heaven, there won't be an answer for you.  I don't even have the answer. Our doctor doesn't have the answer. Only God has the answer. Michael's life left me presumably hours before I was even in labor.

For now I have stopped marking off the days on the calendar. I look expectantly to flipping it to August.

Yet, I want June back. I want July over with..

Honestly, I want to be smiling at my sweet nursing baby boy in a quiet house. Rubbing his head (kissing his head) and touching his small fingers and toes.

This is my first night alone while dad takes the kids to the Library.

The "firsts" have made me very uncomfortable. I shake. I cry. almost like small panic attacks. I either go inward and don't say a word or cry uncontrollably.

Like my first time driving alone. My first time back at Walmart. My first time driving to this place.. or that park.. places I expected to have a baby in my arms.

the last picture of my precious boy living with me. in me.

But tonight I will be ok.
I may clean... fold laundry.
I may worship.
I may listen to a bible study.
I know I will cry.

Truth be, it is sorrow upon sorrow.

 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; 
but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, 
for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 
Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. 

John 16:21-22

The only song we played quietly at Michael's memorial...

He is near. His peace is real.
Every life is a gift.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means to world to us.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker {Review and Giveaway}

My Thoughts on Never Unfriended:

So, I was a little unsure about approaching this book. I did not want a "guide" for my friendships but life circumstances are such that I really wanted to be more sincere with those God has placed in my life.

It really surprised me that Lisa encouraged her readers to take from this book however they can. Even if this meant tearing out pages, putting them on our bathroom mirrors or SKIP through out the book to the parts that resonated within your life.

Her stories are relatable and thought provoking.

In a good way, I realized how selfish my motives have been in friendship! While, I don't feel led to pour out my heart right now (on my public blog) God really used this book to remind me "not look out for my own interests but also the interest of others" (Phil 2).

I know readers will not be disappointed in this book. I encouraged you buy it it with an open mind, even if you think your friendships are fine or buy it even if you have no true friendships at all!

My husband got a mouthful from me as I processed this book, so I know I will keep it around. I have now passed it down to my daughter. :)

OH! and YES you can WIN a copy on our blog by commenting below or on my facebook link :)

ABOUT: Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding & Keeping Lasting Friendships:
As the community manager at the website since 2010, Lisa-Jo Baker has had the chance to engage hundreds of conversations with women about friendship. Starting with that guarantee from the most faithful friend who ever lived—Jesus—this book is a step-by-step guide to friendships you can trust. It answers the questions that lurk under the surface of every friendship—What are we afraid of? What can’t we change? What can we change? And where do we start?—with personal stories and practical tips to help you make the friends, and be the friend, that lasts.

So thankful, He first LOVED us..

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The New Dad's Playbook by Benjamin Watson {Giveaway & Review!}

Yes. Please. I am so happy I can recommend this book for new dads! I won't be keeping mine because of course, Sean is not a new dad. BUT will be perfect for one of my doula clients. As a doula I have come across so many different couples and personalities! More often than not, husbands are unsure about the entire pregnancy and labor process from beginning to end. This is a perfect resource.

This book would be great for a man who isn't a big reader or IS an avid reader.

It is not heavy read, but it's a very honest reflection of how life is changing with pregnancy, birth and having a newborn.

Also, wonderful advice from a man to man.

Your man doesn't have to be "into" sports to learn from this book either!

It is written from a Christian perspective, but focuses more on pregnancy and life after baby than biblical teachings.

To have a LOOK inside or purchase a copy; you can visit Amazon here.

OR if you'd like to WIN a copy; let me know by liking, sharing this post on Facebook or commenting below. Feel free to spread the word!

ABOUT: The New Dad's Playbook; Gearing Up for the Biggest Game of Your Life 

When it comes to the unknown territory of having a baby, new dads want to get in the game but, says Super Bowl champion Benjamin Watson, "I could find clearer direction for putting together a baby swing than for taking care of a newborn child." This is every man's game plan to being the best partner and the best father, from pre-season (preparing for fatherhood) to Super Bowl (birth) to post-season (after baby is home). It helps men understand what their wives are going through physically and emotionally during and after pregnancy, allowing them to support their most important teammate. It tells men what to expect when their baby is home--and what to do when the unexpected happens. This tell-it-like-it-is book will take men from just winging it to winning it.

Children are a blessing!

"Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the
Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”): Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post. Only one entrant per mailing address, per giveaway.  If you have won a prize from our sponsor Propeller / FlyBy Promotions in the last 30 days, you are not eligible to win.  Or if you have won the same prize on another blog, you are not eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.”

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Otterganics Daydream Day Cream {Product Review!} You MUST try!

About Otterganics Daydream Day Cream:

  • The best organic anti-aging cream for a dry face with sensitive skin.
  • Pure - no added water; no fillers; no synthetics; all natural; 100% organic.
  • Fresh light scent, great for sensitive or dry skin; smells like a good day.
  • FLexiBLE: Add water for your personal consistency. Start at 50/50 water + cream.
  • Packaged in a beautifully recycled glass jar; crafted in very small batches.

My Honest Thoughts:

  • The double packaging was perfect! The jar was in perfect condition. 
  • The moisturizer smells amazing. Everyone in my family (esp my husband), as commented "you smell sooo good". 
  • The sent is floral, but not overwhelming at all.
  • The cream is a bit grainy, but mixing it with a tad of water helps it spread. I prefer to mix it with a drop of Argan Oil :D
  • I use it after the shower in the morning and at night if I have removed make up.
  • Absolutly no breakouts since using.
  • I have not seen any age reduction, but that is because I have only used it for two weeks. ;)
  • My skin does feel refreshed after using.
  • Happy to have found a cream with Neroli Oil in the ingredients. See below.
  •  This cream will definitely last! A little goes a long way. My husband encouraged me to not be afraid to spend the money because I don't treat myself very often.
Fully Recommend Daydream Day Cream!

Where can you purchase yours??
Of course at here at lovely Amazon!

Keeping it real,

I received this product in exchange for review from Giveaway Service website. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Once Upon A Time; Storybook Bible and Holy Bible {2 Bible Reviews!}

The Buckout family LOVED these two new bibles! I never care how many Bible I have in the house. The more the merrier! We have an on going Easter tradition of purchasing our kids Bible books, instead of a candy basket ;)

The Once Upon a Time Storybook Bible is perfect for simple exposure to timeless bible stories.

While they stories don't got very in depth with Biblical details, the descriptions captivate your little audience. My children preferred more than one story because they read very quickly. 

These Bibles keep the wonder of the "Once Upon A Time.." truths from scripture and end each story with a "Happily Ever After.." application.  See picture below:

My kiddos also loved the beatuiful artwork:

I would recommend the Storybook Bible for ages younger than six.

My six year old was more engaged with the Once Upon a Time; Holy Bible and really blessed to have her own "big girl bible". This is a "regular" children bible, but story synopsis are in glossy pages throughout. The cover is also sparkly with glitter ;) Hard to see pictured, but it is at the top of Bible.

For more information you can visit their official Zondervan Websites! A perfect Easter gift :D

These Bibles are available for purchase where books are sold and/or available at Sam’s Club!

Official Website:

Why the Once Upon a Time Storybook Bible and Holy Bible??

  • With the popularity of fairy tales and Disney animation, and especially with the new release of Disney’s live action Beauty and the Beast on March 17, Zonderkidz wanted to publish a storybook Bible and full -text Bible (Holy Bible offered in hardcover, and pink leathersoft editions) that would resonate with children and families who loved those types of movies, and loved reading a great story.
  • The art will captivate Disney lovers with similar looking characters and color palettes
  • Zonderkidz wanted to capture fans of this genre, but introduce young children to the word of God, and introduce them to the great characters of the Bible. It’s important to note that this brand serves to resound the theme that the Bible is NOT a fairy tale, but every great Bible story happened once upon a time. The Bible is the ultimate Happily Ever After story!
  • What Christian parent doesn’t want to tie in Bible learning fun with what their kids already love, but also have the opportunity to teach them that the real heroes and stories of our faith come straight from God’s Word.

The Storybook Bible utilizes even more of the captivating art style and beautiful narrative to tell the major stories of the Bible ( , and the Holy Bible ( & ( includes the full-text of the bestselling New International Reader’s Version (NIrV) translation, and highlights 6 great stories of the Bible in full-color tip-in pages.  (there will be 6 stories, and each story is told on 4 illustrated pages.)

Happy Early Resurrection Day!!!

Friday, February 10, 2017

How We Make it Work: "Kids Clothing Update" (Family of 9, 1100 sqft)

Hey all.

So I updated the clothing storage for my toddlers!

I don't know if I said this in the video, but it has really helped in NOT over purchasing.
After catching up on the laundry I am easily aware of what my three toddlers may need or not need.

Here is the short video with pictures included.  Wish I could have added music, but oh well ;)

Note: The older kids ages 10-16 still keep their clothes in their bedroom closets. AND... my apologies, I had a cold when recording. I sound a little groggy. :/

Keeping it real,

I purchased these lovely boxes on Amazon. yay for Amazon Prime!

Thursday, February 2, 2017

I'm going to give you a BEAR HUG! {Children's Book Review and Giveaway!}

Age Range: 4-8 years
Hardcover: 32 pages

 You can Win or purchase this book from our blog on Amazon (kindle, hardcover or Board book). How fun! :D

What is not to love about this book!? We completely recommend this special book between a mommy and his son during what we would call a "bedtime routine". (And I thought it was going to be an animal book. A pleasant surprise.) 

The pictures are big, colorful and FUN to enjoy. 
PLEASE NOTE: your child or children my ask you to read it three times in a row like mine did! So precious. lol. 

I snapped these pictures right after we got it in the mail. It was perfect for Priscilla's quiet time.  Even though the book is recommended for ages 4-8, Priscilla who is turning 3 in a few weeks LOVED her new book. When I read it aloud, my captivated audience was ages 3-6 ;)

SHARE on our Buckout Blessings Facebook page OR love on our family Instagram page OR comment below to WiN! 

Giveaway will end one week from original post. US residents only.

Grand Rapids, MI--- December 27, 2016---I’m Going to Give You a Bear Hug!, written by bestselling author Caroline B. Cooney, is a playful and comforting bedtime book that imagines all the wonderful ways a child might give and receive a hug.

Whether it’s a big bear, gasp for air, knock over a chair hug or a wet and drippy, slimy, slippy fish hug, children will giggle their way through all the imaginative examples. Cooney’s sweet and simple rhymes encourage playful interaction between parent and child and ultimately help them wind down before they snuggle into bed and drift off to sleep.I’m Going to Give You a Bear Hug is a sweet loving bedtime story book that is also sure to become a Valentine’s Day favorite for little ones who enjoy celebrating a day full of hugs and kisses from loved ones. I’m Going to Give You a Bear Hug will be available in hardcover for $16.99 in retail stores nationwide and online on December 27, 2016. the Author: Caroline B. Cooney was born in New York, grew up in Connecticut, and now lives in South Carolina. Caroline is the author of 90 Young Adult novels in many genres, and her books have sold over fifteen million copies. I’m Going to Give You a Bear Hug is her first picture book. It’s based on a verse she wrote for her own children, Louisa, Sayre and Harold, who are grown now. the Illustrator: Tim Warnes has been illustrating children's books for twenty years. He lives in Dorset, England, with his wife, children's illustrator Jane Chapman, and their two sons. When he's not drawing little critters, Tim loves to write, watch birds and play his banjo.  Visit Tim at

Zonderkidz™, the children’s division of Zondervan, inspires young lives through imagination and innovation. As the leader in Christian children's communications, it creates products that awaken the hearts and touch the souls of kids under 14. Zonderkidz is also publisher of the NIrV (New International Reader’s Version) Bible translation, the third grade reading level edition of the NIV. For additional information, please visit

Zondervan is a world-leading Bible publisher and provider of Christian communications. Zondervan, as part of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc., delivers transformational Christian experiences through its bestselling Bibles, books, curriculum, academic resources and digital products. The Company’s products are sold worldwide and translated into nearly 200 languages. Zondervan offices are located in Grand Rapids, MI. For additional information, please visit

Social – Corner:
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Let the little children come to Him!
In Christ,

"Disclosure (in accordance with the FTC’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the
Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising”): Many thanks to Propeller Consulting, LLC for providing this prize for the giveaway. Choice of winners and opinions are 100% my own and NOT influenced by monetary compensation. I did receive a sample of the product in exchange for this review and post. Only one entrant per mailing address, per giveaway.  If you have won a prize from our sponsor Propeller / FlyBy Promotions in the last 30 days, you are not eligible to win.  Or if you have won the same prize on another blog, you are not eligible to win it again. Winner is subject to eligibility verification.”

Monday, January 23, 2017

#TBT (on a Monday)

Sorry, its been SO long!

Ahhh! Life does not slow down. I had a Shutterfly code to make this album and I cannot believe it has been almost 4 years since we moved "back" to our little home!

I must admit the home does fill smaller now, maybe because the kids are growing?? lol

 God is good though, and it is all temporal. I only stress when my perspective is not upward. Amen?

Well, if your interested .. here is an album of our first summer back to North Carolina.

God has so faithfully taken care of our little tribe!

Click here to view this photo book larger
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