Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Sorrow upon Sorrow; a stillbirth

my sweet baby in my arms once again.
we left in separate ambulances to the hospital.
the most traumatic night in my life.

There have been many times these past 6 months I have attempted to blog. I even wrote a couple of pregnancy blogs that I intended to publish after Michaels birth. I already had to delete them.

I read a grieving Christian mothers advice the other day. She said write if you can.... journal, blog, pictures..ect.

This is the real me... attempting to write. To process. To heal... after only 17 days. It may come to nothing. I may shut down my blog completely. I don't know.

I don't want to spam Facebook with all my sorrow and grief. There are these evil condemning voices that tell me I am just looking for pity. At this point if someone wants to see how I am doing I guess they can look here.
Maybe I can look back to what God is teaching me through this all.
Maybe there will be another grieving mother who will find comfort reading my words.

Only those who saw me knew even that I was expecting our 8th child. For my own reasons, I just wanted it to be quiet. I kept my own private instagram acct @babyjuly2017 to connect with other moms also expecting in June or July. I didn't even tell my family at first, till some slowly found out. I envisioned making a surprise Skype call hours after his birth..

If you are here because of curiosity of how my sweet Michael left my womb and went to heaven, there won't be an answer for you.  I don't even have the answer. Our doctor doesn't have the answer. Only God has the answer. Michael's life left me presumably hours before I was even in labor.

For now I have stopped marking off the days on the calendar. I look expectantly to flipping it to August.

Yet, I want June back. I want July over with..

Honestly, I want to be smiling at my sweet nursing baby boy in a quiet house. Rubbing his head (kissing his head) and touching his small fingers and toes.

This is my first night alone while dad takes the kids to the Library.

The "firsts" have made me very uncomfortable. I shake. I cry. almost like small panic attacks. I either go inward and don't say a word or cry uncontrollably.

Like my first time driving alone. My first time back at Walmart. My first time driving to this place.. or that park.. places I expected to have a baby in my arms.

the last picture of my precious boy living with me. in me.

But tonight I will be ok.
I may clean... fold laundry.
I may worship.
I may listen to a bible study.
I know I will cry.

Truth be, it is sorrow upon sorrow.

 A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; 
but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, 
for joy that a human being has been born into the world. 
Therefore you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. 

John 16:21-22

The only song we played quietly at Michael's memorial...

He is near. His peace is real.
Every life is a gift.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means to world to us.

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