Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A Battle for Normal; After a Stillbirth


Empty arms. I am fighting hard. Feels like a spiritual battle daily. Stressful nightmares. Outburst of anger. Anxiety attacks. Confusion. Loss of joy. Purpose. Focus.
At any given moment especially toward the end of my day..when tiredness sets in.
I have to take breathes. Pray. Turn on worship music. Listen to bible studies. Read my bible. Intentionally listen to my kids.

It comes in waves.
My hormones have been out of whack.
Postpartum depression at it's worst. (or the worst I've experienced). I should have gotten Michael placenta encapsulated, yet that was the last thing on my mind in the emergency room.

I was "supposed" to have a baby rest. For me, having eight kids I actually looked forward to nursing 12 times a day. The Lord knew what was to come, He would have to be my rest.

Last week I was screaming... "what do I do now!?" I was falling apart tremendously.
Yet, I have been "feeling" better today and the weekend went better... Maybe the hormones are balancing out. The grief fog is lifting.

I have to be so careful because the every day mothering tasks stir up bitterness.. and plain tiredness.

I have been trying to find some source of "normal" outlet, but it is not coming easy.
Two weeks after birth, I got aggression out by weeding my garden beds. Yay, I planted two new rose bushes. Planted seedlings.. planted a potted plant.

Went on a a few run/walks, but was quickly reminded I was only three weeks postpartum and not three months. My body is not as strong.. yet. Knee braces and all. 

This week, I was praising God because I actually started a new crochet project. :) YES. A new baby blanket. Hopefully, for what grieving mothers call their "rainbow baby." I am praying for my own rainbow baby and I don't care what others opinion may say.

I attempted a start of a new fiction book. For the first time in years it is not about birth or midwifery. Someday, I will get back into my passion.


Friends, then it came: Only out of observation, I went an entire day without crying. 28 days, exactly four weeks after the birth of Michael.

Not sure if I was even happy about it, but I knew it was needed. Part of the fog passing..

((((deep breaths))))


Watching my family play during an evening beach trip.
Yes :) All seven, plus Dad are in this picture.
I was laying down on the blanket taking life in...
Our first time back here without baby Michael.

Last April...
One of my beach memories. Mordecai hugging Baby Michael.
Miss you little one.




God, what is normal? You are working in me... I will trust. I press on. In You I HOPE. You are with me in this battle.


In verse 19, word "high hills" literally can mean "battlefield"...

Habakkuk 3: 17-19


Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines; 
Though the labor of the olive may fail, 
And the fields yield no food; 
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, 
And there be no herd in the stalls— 

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, 
I will joy in the God of my salvation. 
The Lord God is my strength;
He will make my feet like deer’s feet, 
And He will make me walk on my high hills. 






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