Thursday, August 3, 2017

Baby Michael James; Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I took 141 pictures of my son before I said my final goodbye.

I want a thousand more.

I want to hold him longer and soak in every tiny feature.

Since I am waiting earthside for our glorious reunion; I am aware my own body is growing older, I may forget and I don't want to...

This blog is dedicated to every sweet memory God gave me while he was in my arms....

My little Michael James Buckout, 

I only had a moments relief when your father first handed you to me. But you were warm. You reminded me of Mordecai. A little string bean. Long and cute.

I tried to clear your airway, so you could breath. Suction. Even using my own mouth to try to bring life into your lifeless body. Yet you were already asleep... gone from my arms.

In the hospital, when I finally had you with me again.. I held you close.  I got to grieve, weep and study your every feature through my drenched face. I could not understand why.. but oh my goodness you were beautiful! Absolutly amazing.  I don't know how many times I kissed you, but it wasn't enough.

When Daddy came to meet us we would weep together and talk about your lovely features..

Bittersweet was our every breath. Every word..Every tear..

Your soft hair... fuzzy, more thick brown in the back. A slight red color like your sister Hadassah. I loved rubbing my face on gently on the top of your hair..I have done this with all your brothers and sisters. Your sweet head was growing cold but I didn't care one bit.

Your face... Your lips looked like a content nursing baby. Milk drunk, but with no milk.  Chubby cheeks, thin eye brows, and little button chin. You had a precious little double chin.. extra skin like your mama and Grandpa. You had a precious Buckout nose!

Your ears... little and sweet. I sung to you while I was alone in the hospital. In my heart you could hear. "Jesus, Name Above all Names.. blessed redeemer Glorious Lord.." (Daddy had went to pick up your siblings.) It is the same song we sung every night to your little siblings before bed. I know you heard it in the womb. I held you close, snuggled you on my chest and tried to voice every word before my heart broke into pieces.

Your hands and toes: your fingers were so long, wrinkly skin and such long fingernails. I can't believe how big your hands were! Even your feet were so long! Toes curled. Soft with dried vernix... I wish I would have looked longer but I felt I had to keep you warm and wrap you up.. :(  Oh, Hadassah so badly wanted you to grasp her finger with your tiny hand. In heaven you will hold hands with your sissy.

Your legs and arms sooo long! Like a little froggy. I wish I could have fatten you up.  You had a fuzzy back and flat little bummy like few of your other siblings ;). I am so sorry I didn't change your diaper. :/ Oh, a mothers heart is always full of regret!!

I loved having you on my chest. You little nose dripped and it took my breath away. My arms miss you little one.
Baby Mikey, you changed my life forever. You brought your mothers love deeper than I ever thought it could exist.

Although, I am positive it is only a sliver of the love the Heavenly Father has for us both. Yet, you already know... I will see Him with you face to face with you soon.

I love you deeply my sweet baby boy. I want to snuggle you so bad it hurts. Nurse you. Kiss you... but I will wait. The Lord will renew my strength. So thankful you are with our King Jesus. You will never feel pain, shed a tear, and are completely satisfied for all eternity. I will be there soon.  I am praying.. Maranatha!

Love you forever little bb8,
Your Mama.

Daddy and I taking a moment to show our little girls how we would wrap you. 
They both brought Mommy your blankets from home. 
For now, I sleep with those blankets every night.

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